Ive figured out what Tumbr is to me. It’s my diary. This is where I put out thoughts that wouldn’t have a means of escape otherwise. People have asked me why I don’t just use a private hand written book, or use an electronic version that again, is private. The truth is, I don’t really care about the privacy aspect of it. I don’t have a large following, and out of the small number of followers I do have, i’m sure less than 1/3 even read what I say. I would be fine if 10 million or just 10 read it. This is more about a release for me, rather than a reaching out to others.

When I first moved to this big city, I was different. When I bumped into someone, I would apologise. I would be polite and courteous towards the other people around me in town. I was pleasant to staff in cafe’s and shops. I gave to the homeless and my heart went out to them. I stopped to listen to buskers, and I gave them a quid or 2. I had time to talk to those charity fundraising people. 

That was me then. That’s not me now.

Its hard to allow your heart to break every single time you see a homeless person. The guilt when you don’t have any change, and they are begging is the worst feeling ever. But now, I get angry. They make me feel uncomfortable every single day of my life here. They lie to get you to give them money, claiming they need to go to hospital and they don’t want the money for drugs or alcohol. I don’t deserve to be made feel that bad every single day. This is my new attitude. I know the anger is just my way of dealing with pain that I feel when I see them, but even so. People in shops piss me off too. ALWAYS trying to give me a damn reciept, or TWO! I don’t want a receipt for a can of coke, and why do people take SO long to serve the queue? It just grates me. The buskers? Well, I still dont mind them. I don’t stop to listen either though, and any time the fucking charity fundraisers dare utter those mind numbing words ‘excuse me ma’am’ I almost screeech ‘look, i’m going to work I don’t have time!

We all love to be right. But sometimes, even when deep down you feel that you are, it just doesn’t matter anymore. 

Being ‘right’ doesn’t make you better, or a god person.

Sometimes, you just have to cut the bullshit, admit defeat and say ‘i fucked up’.

hopefully, second chances are given. 

They aren’t always.

If not, then at least learn from what happens. Cus if you don’t, your back at square one, after hurting yourself, and people you care about. That makes it all pointless. It makes it all poison.

I have so much to say, I don’t know who to say it to, or where to start, or finish. 

My life right now, or my situation at least, is so messed up that all I can do it sit straight faced and stare into space.. 

I have no more tears left.

There is no more passion inside me

No fire.. I feel like a fraction of my former self, and that everything I didn’t appreciate has been taken from me, pushed away by me, at the same very second that I realised it’s worth.

None of this will last

In fact, the fact that it won’t..

Is exactly what makes it all so beautiful. 

Remove our mortality, 

and you will remove all the beauty. 

All the elegance.

All the excitement. 

All the good.

and all the bad.

and once it has all vanished…

What will be left..

Other than nothing. 

Permanence. 

It isn’t beautiful, nor is it vile.

It is nothing.

Nothing at all. 

Lauren.. 

When I announced that I was going to start a blog, myself including most people I knew all thought I would blog everyday, even multiple times per day, because I always had a lot to say, and an opinion on virtually everything. Surprisingly so, this just wasnt the case at all. On top of that, i’ve recently noticed that i’m not updating my facebook with many statuses, and if I do, it’s not the way I used to. I used to have to stop myself as I would want to update 10 times or more… The question is; why? Whats changed?

Well, I think before (when I was bloggin a little more) I was filled with anger. I only realised this when looking back, and at the time I didn’t see it. But, as I reviewed my posts, I noticed that there was quite a bit of anger and frustration about them. My theory is that I used blogging as a way to release my anger, and I have stopped because I no longer need an outlet like that. 

Things changed when I moved to Manchester. My life has not went from being awful to being amazing - nothing like that. Its just different, and in a way I have faced more struggling times over here. Perhaps i’ve just learned to cope better. Or maybe i’ve matured somewhat. Im not entirely sure. 

Just before Christmas I was diagnosed with depression. Before going home to Ireland for the holidays, I found it very difficult to make it to class. I was sleeping way to much, and the thought of having to leave my room just terrified me. It was a challenge. I isolated myself from my friends also. Going to spend time with them just felt like an effort that I didn’t want to give. I was ‘happy’ in my bedroom, with dim lighting, and cigarettes.

I knew that by not attending my classes regularly, that I was throwing my education down the drain and I felt a huge amount of guilt over this, yet at the same time, I couldn’t motivate myself to actually get up in the mornings and go. 

So, I went to see my doctor and I explained to him that I thought I was suffering from depression. He said that I definitely was, and prescribed me 20mg of Citalopram to be taken once daily. Over the next few weeks I noticed that I was feeling better. They were not a quick fix, nor a happy pill, but I just noticed that things that once seemed like a mountainous challenge, were now just a bit ‘blegh’. They weren’t fun to do, but I was able to get myself up, and ready, and do them. 

I’ve been taking these tablets for about 6 weeks now, and although they aren’t life changing, they really are helping me. 

The reason I wanted to blog about this, is because for young people between 16 - 25 (and even older) it is hard to talk about such ‘taboo’ things like having depression. Many won’t even know that they suffer from it. So, thats my story about discovering my feelings about life weren’t normal, and then finally getting the treatment I need. so many people suffer from this mental condition. Its really very tough. All my friends know, and this is such a great support for me. So, if you have it, tell the people around you that you trust. No one is going to judge you, and if they do, it’s their ignorance and stupidity that needs fixing - not you. 

Anyway, I hope anyone reading this that suffers from depression, or knows someone who does, found something in it. Maybe.

(Source: inseparablyintwined, via -kittykat)

(Source: ivemadeamessofme, via tequ-ila)

My answer:

Thank you very much :) I am happy. Happy xmas to you too! I hope things will soon get better, he isn’t worth your time, never mind your tears! xxx

My answer:

I guess he never really ended it with me either, he just withdrew gradually. I think he has a girlfriend yes, but he would never say it to me, once he said ‘im seeing some girl’ and he kinda made out that it wasnt serious, until she then messaged me acting all crazy..Needless to say, I blocked the crazy woman. On new years eve I will be celebrating my one year anniversary with my boyfriend :) Already things are much brighter than I ever thought they would be! xxx

My answer:

It was exactly the same for me, we were electric. I leaned on Conor for a lot, he knew everything about my life, and I knew everything about his. We aren’t the only ones who have been through this, there are thousands, maybe even more, going through what you are going through right now, and what I went through in the not so distant past. Your not over sensitive, you just gave your heart to someone. Doing that is always a risk. Do you still speak to him? Because if so, I would advise against it. It only prolongs the agony. The best thing you can do is block and delete him off Facebook (or whatever other social networking sites you use), remove his phone number etc - it’s painful to do, believe me, I know, but it’s so worth it. Friends of mine told me to do that for SO long, I never listened. Eventually, he deleted and blocked me (My relationship status changed into ‘In a relationship’ and I think it kinda freaked him out, even though it was him who ended things) and after a couple of weeks, he wasn’t in my head so much. No one ever ‘has a right’ to be jealous - it’s an emotion, it’s out of our control, so don’t worry about feeling the way you are, there’s no point in even trying to fight it, it doesn’t help. Just know that you are worth more and that you’ll find someone who will be gentle with your heart. xxx